growing into love

i saw a post the other day that said—

I FEEL SO ANGRY AT THIS WORLD

BUT THEN WHEN I FEEL MY HEART BREAK

I KNOW THE HATE IS REALLY LOVE

and so, i’ve been thinking a lot about love lately—not in any particular sense, just my capacity for it.

i used to be incredibly reserved with my love. as though i had something to lose by giving; as though it were a quantifiable, tangible thing. when love never is.

these past few years have been exhausting, healing and have broken me down. and still, i must love. because if i don’t let love consume me, anything else will.

bell hooks said that trust is the foundation of intimacy. and i used to view love, in all its forms, as an intimate thing. so how could i possess this much love if i didn’t possess that much trust?

but love is not an inherently intimate thing—vulnerable perhaps, but not intimate. and once i came to accept this, and that vulnerability is not a bad thing, i grew in my love for others and it feels bigger every day.

of course, there are days i feel burdened by lovelessness and hopelessness and my own insignificance, but i remind myself that these thoughts are simply a product of the environment i’m forced to exist in.

and for the days when my anger at the world becomes too much, i check in with my notes app. i keep a list of “cute human things” that i witness strangers do to remind me of the love i have for the people around me. love grounds me.

march 21, 2022 @ 6:15pm

stranger sitting across from me on the streetcar made eye contact with a motorcyclist at the light. he gave her a little wink. she began to blush and smiled to herself for the rest of the ride.

there’s so much love in and around me, i would be selfish not to share it.